I have been thinking a lot these days. When I tell Jon that, he usually says something along the lines of "oh, no!!" That's mostly because he knows that there is going to be a long story coming. What can I say, I am a girl of many words!!! I have been thinking a lot about my role in this missions stuff. Several things have come up over the last few weeks that have gotten me actively thinking about what role Jon and I have in all this. We are certain that we have a role, it is just that sometimes I question the value of it. I am usually reminded quickly that our role is valuable, although it may seem small.
The pastor at our church spoke a few weeks ago about ministry and how we are all supposed to be active in it. Jon and I have a heart for international students and that continues to develop and grow the more we have them in our lives. The constant difficulty with this is that there seems to be very little "fruit." It seems that we end up spending most of our time developing relationships and sharing, but little time seeing the fruit of that labor. I truly believe what my friend Erin and I talked about once. She said she can just see being in heaven one day and running across someone...then we are going to think, "I didn't know they were going to be here!!" I think that our (jon and me) role is to cultivate the ground. Sometimes we don't even get to see the seed get planted in the ground.
Sometimes I feel so sorry for myself because what we are doing is so hard, and most often not "rewarding" by the terms of the world. Some people would even say that we have been unsuccessful. I have learned and am still learning that I cannot let the worlds view of success define me. The Bible does say that our reward will be in heaven. I know that. It can just be so hard sometimes. Plus, I want to take some credit for what has happened!! I guess that's probably why I don't get to see some of this stuff, because my pride definitely gets in the way.
I have no idea why Jon and I are here most of the time. I don't know why Jon's supposed to be in school pursuing an accounting degree. I don't know why I am working in a job that is not what I believe I am meant to do. All I know is that this is what we are supposed to do. I read a friend's blog today and he was talking about how he met with a young couple who were leaving their careers and applying with the International Mission Board to go overseas as full time missionaries. My friend said they "were the living the American dream and didn't want to be." He was an accountant and she a school teacher. In my heart I thought, "maybe that will be us someday." Oh how I long for it to be us. We are having to deal with this "American dream." And let me just say that it is incredibly tempting, but I don't want it to be. It is hard to not get caught up in the "stuff" of the world....where will we live, where will we work, how much will we make, when should we buy a new car, etc.
I guess in my heart I found myself envious of this couple because my heart just wants to Go so badly. I do hope that someday the Lord will allow us to serve Him in another country, but for now, another part of this country is where we rest. Perhaps He just wants me to realize that He has us here for a reason. Perhaps it has nothing to do with other people; it is about me and where I need to be first before I can serve Him elsewhere. Perhaps he just wants me be content serving Him here...He knows that I would be willing to go as far as He leads. Maybe the problem is that I just don't think He is leading me as far as I think He should and I just need to be content that He has lead me here.
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