I'm a Triangle--and Trust this is NOT a math lesson

My friend, who lives overseas, posted an article today that got me thinking.  Basically the article describes what it is like to live in two different countries/cultures. The author describes it using shapes.  Briefly, you are from "circle" country, so you are a circle.  The circle moves to a new place, "square" country and participates in the new customs of square country, but is not square because they are a circle.  What this causes is essentially a "mutation" where the original circle becomes a triangle...part circle and part square.  The article goes on to discuss the trials that can come from being a triangle that is trying to re-enter the circle culture. 

The reason I share this is because I find it very interesting.  I guess a part of it hit very close to home for me.  I have not had the good fortune of living in another country, although I would very much consider myself a triangle.  When Jon and I were first married, we worked with international students, predominantly Japanese.  While I cannot speak specifically for Jon, I am sure he would agree with me to some level.  I have been deeply impacted by the Japanese culture and feel that my relationships with students and friends changed me into a triangle that is often misunderstood.
While working with these students, our goal was to show them how much we valued their culture, in effort to expose them to various parts of our culture.  As students, new to a country (and becoming triangles themselves), it can be incredibly difficult to learn the language if you only speak to others in your native tongue.  These kids had to learn English at astonishingly fast rates and at deep levels.  They were, after all, attempting to take college level classes in English.  I cannot comprehend college level classes in another language!  Anyway, we were there to help ease students through that transition and to develop relationships.

As it so often turns out if you let it, it was not simply the students that were deeply impacted through these relationships.  We were too.  I often wonder the impact on me was greater than it ever was on them.  I fell in love with the people of Japan, and I learned to value their culture.  We celebrated with them, learned to cook with them, and spoke with them.  When I look back on this time, my heart was full. 

When we moved to Wyoming, I thought that somehow that chapter in our lives would close, but surprisingly it did not.  We met other international students that we quickly fell in love with.  Some were Japanese, while there were also Sri Lankans, Koreans, and Saudis.  We continued the same approach and found room in our hearts for these cultures as well.  When we talk about our friends, I don't think people realize what we mean or how deeply these relationships have impacted us.  I don't think people understand what I mean when we say that we love Japan.  I don't think that anyone would suspect the longing that comes when I eat or make tonkatsu.  It's a recipe that my best Japanese friend taught me in Oklahoma.  In Wyoming, I made it for our friends Kyong (from Korea) and Emi (from Japan).  Emi was delighted when she ate it because it was just like her mom's.  From then on she joked that I was a better Japanese cook than she was (which, by the way, was completely untrue!).  Shopping at the Asian market always gets me too!  We cooked together, learned from each other, and lived life together.

Oddly enough, it's like Jon and I are in this little "club" that consists of our experiences.  He and I are the only ones that really get it because we are "triangles" of similar influence.  Living here, we have experienced a bit of loss because we do not have any of these international friends that have shaped us so deeply.  While we are still in contact with many of our old friends, it's the daily interactions that I long for and miss. 

As I write, it almost feels like nostalgia, but it is difficult to explain how it is not.  We had a baby shower at Jon's work a few weeks ago and they asked about how we decided on the name.  I cannot explain how we came up with our second daughter's name without first explaining Hannah's name.  It can probably be done, I am just far too long winded for that, while I also find the little details important.  We chose the name for our firstborn child because of the Japanese meaning.  Hannah originally means "grace" I think, but that is not why we chose it.  We chose it because of the Japanese meaning which hopefully honors our "triangle-ness."  I hope that she can understand for herself the joy that sharing your heart with diverse people can bring.  Our lives will never be the same as a result of these experiences.  While it has been over seven years since our time in Oklahoma, I still find that my heart is catapulted across the world when I smell certain things, when I hear certain types of music, or  when we get a phone call from old friends.  These are experiences that have changed me on a deep level, and even though it was a long time ago, I will forever being a triangle.  I think that is a pretty fabulous shape to be and am grateful for who I am as a result of these experiences.

Hannah's Big Brother & Big Sister

Jon started working at Compassion International last February.  Compassion is a child sponsorship organization that supports children in poverty.  For years, Jon and I have wanted to support a child through Compassion.  Our church is a huge supporter of Compassion, and the CEO often speaks in our services about missions.  So we have learned about the company through that and are proud that Jon gets to be apart of the work they are doing there. 

With that said, Jon joked that he was the one Compassion employee that did NOT sponsor a child.  It's not that we didn't have plans to, we just really wanted Hannah to be a part of it with us.  Finally, an opportunity presented itself, so we went to a thing (I don't really know what to call it, so thing is as vague as I can think of) with the intent of letting Hannah "pick" our soon-to-be sponsored child.  The reason was two fold.  One, we believe in supporting missions and felt that it was time for Hannah to get to see our heart in this.  The second reason is a little more complex.

See, Hannah has quite the imagination...and that is probably an understatement.  Hannah is constantly pretending, dressing up, or dreaming up ideas for things.  I personally love this about her.  I feel that it is my creativity in her.  Some of the things she does last for a few hours or sometimes a few days.  One that is currently standing the test of time is the idea that she has a big brother and big sister that live in the mountains.  She points to Pikes Peak.  Yes, that's where they live.  She tells people this all the time, and since the family unit in America often includes step siblings, people think nothing of it.  They simply assume that she really does have a big brother and big sister that live in the mountains.  This, however is not the case.  Neither Jon, nor I have other children.  She is it!  Despite our efforts to gently tell her that she in fact does not have a big brother and big sister in the mountains, we gave up quickly because it was very upsetting to her, and we figured there was no harm in it.

As it turns out, her big brother and big sister are both girls, live in the mountains which she swears is specific enough for us to find their home, and do not like for people to just drop by.  We drive through the mountains often and did so last winter to go skiing.  At 5:30ish in the morning, we were somewhere around Woodland Park, and she started yelling at us.  You can imagine how endearing that was, right?  She apparently needed to make it clear that we could not visit her big brother and big sister because they would be mad at her.  They would be mad because she didn't tell them we were coming and it was too early to call them.  We assured her that we were simply driving through the mountains to get to the ski resort, and she eventually calmed down.  We are not talking just a little pretending, we are talking perhaps of imaginary friends in the mountains.

Again, I find it cute, although I think Jon finds it incredibly irritating.  Now, the "big-brother-and-big-sister-that-live-in-the-mountains," said all in one breath, have become the ones to blame if she does something she knows is naughty.  They also take her to places that she's never been.  In fact, she has rarely been to a new place.  Jon and I want to try out a new restaurant and it's, "Oh, I've been here with my big brother and big sister..."  The same goes for departments stores, cities, pet stores, etc.  Oh, they also have a cat because THEY are not allergic like Daddy.

So Jon had the idea to get her a "real" big brother or big sister.  He thought we could sponsor a child which would eventually lead her to forgetting about the others.  Remember, the big brother and big sister that live in the mountains can be very irritating to both of us at times!  So, I thought it was worth a shot.  She picked Rashini, a girl a couple of years older than her from India.  She picked her because she had on a pretty dress and had a nice (or kind to Hannah) face.  We have enjoyed watching our little girl "read" the booklet that came about Rashini, pray sweet bedtime prayers for her, ask about where she lives, and share with others about her "other big sister."  Yes, she now has her sister Rashini and a big brother and big sister that live in the mountains.  So while our plan to replace the imaginary siblings failed, the whole thing has certainly enriched our lives and the life of our daughter.  For that we are grateful.

Hadleigh Michelle

We are expecting the newest member of our family in the next two weeks.  We, and by we I mostly me I, are waiting anxiously for her impending arrival.  In light of the twenty five hours of labor with Hannah, I am sort of ready to just get it over with.  Of course, I am ready to meet her, have her as an official part of our family, etc, but mostly I am ready to get it over with.  I suspect that labor will be better this time around, but I tend to prepare myself for the worst.  Then, if it is better, then that's a pleasant surprise.  While I am not here to hash out all of the details of my first labor and delivery, I am interested in sharing a story so it is important to know that we have someone coming!

When I got pregnant the first time, I was really disappointed when I found out we were having a girl.  As it turns out, God must know what He's doing because Hannah has been a perfect fit in our family.  She's not your typical girl, in that she exhibits some of the behaviors that I hear people attribute to boys.  She climbs on everything!  It is not uncommon to walk into the room to find Hannah helping herself to some food on the top shelf of the cabinet.  She just pulls out her ladder, climbs in the counter, and helps herself (we do not condone this behavior though).  I once found her at the top of our "ladder" bookshelf, and she was upset with me that I made her get down.  When she called for me to come outside, I was stunned to see the pride on her face that came from successfully climbing on top of the car.  She then reiterated, in detail, how she was able to get to the top.  She's already broken her arm, dislocated her elbow which required surgery, and had stitches in her head.  She's four and a half.  I often wonder if I could "handle" a boy that is "supposedly" rougher than a girl.

When we went to our ultra-sound, Hannah was insistent that we were having a girl.  Jon really wanted a boy, and a part of me did too.  I joked in the preceding week that someone in the ultra-sound room was going to be very disappointed, but it would not be me.  Turns out, Hannah was right.  We are having a baby girl, and while Jon was disappointed for about a day he got over it.  I think he's mostly afraid of having two girls to defend from high school boys like he was.  I said that God knew which person would get over it faster.  I don't know that Hannah would be over it yet if the baby wasn't a girl.

With the gender discovery, came the sudden need to pick names.  We had a boy and girl name picked out shortly after we were married.  Since we have already used the girl name and the boy name obviously won't work this time around, we had to come up with a new name.  Oh the stress!  Names are important!  Hannah means beautiful flower in Japanese and first in Korean.  The Japanese made a huge impact on mine and Jon's hearts, so we always said that we want our kid to stick to her Japanese roots.  We also thought it was appropriate that it means first in Korean since she is the first kid, grandkid, etc.  Marie is Hannah's middle name.  It is my middle name, which is a family name, and it is also Jon's mom's middle name, and her mom's middle name.  So for us, Hannah Marie has a lot of meaning.  I didn't want to just give our second kid a name out of a baby book.  I wanted it to mean something because Hannah's name means so much. 

So we began our search.  Hannah was anxious to give her input as well.  She chose Cinderella Star, but we had to veto based on the meaning stuff describe above.  We had it narrowed down to three or four names, but couldn't decide.  Jon, who I'm pretty sure was tired of talking about it every five minutes, began investigating the names we had chosen. He looked at various spellings, meanings, etc.  We settled on Michelle as a middle name because it incorporates both sides of our family.  Then we decided that if they would have two of the three same initials, we should look for an "H" name so they could share initials. 

That's where we found Hadleigh.  Hadleigh, spelled this way is British.  That is already a win because Jon and I pretty much love all things Brit.  Jon found that Hadleigh is actually a town in England.  You may not know this, but Haddenham is also a town in England.  There's actually two towns by that name!  So in his research, he found that Hadleigh is just about forty miles from the town of Haddenham.  We thought that was super cool, so one point went to Hadleigh.  I could finally stop avoiding the research because it was no longer overwhelming.  Hadleigh means, "field of heather."  I started looking at picture of heather and found that it is a beautiful little flower.  Hannah means beautiful flower and Hadleigh is a field of beautiful flowers!  Score two for Hadleigh.

Finally, I found a fable about heather.  This really probably sealed the deal for me.  To paraphrase the story I found on electricscotland.com:

When God made the world He saw these rolling, rocky hills (think UK land) and decided that he wanted something to fill the space and make it look nicer.  He went to the oak tree, but the oak tree said he couldn't imagine growing his roots in that rocky soil.  Then he went to the honeysuckle, but the honeysuckle needed a wall or something sturdy to grow against.  Then he went to the rose, but the rose refused because the wind and rain that it would be exposed to might ruin it's flowers.  Finally, he approached the heather.  The heather, while uncertain about whether or not it could do the job correctly, agreed.  With that, God gave the heather the strength of an oak.  Heather has the strongest bark of any shrub or tree, the fragrance of the honeysuckle, and the sweetness of the rose (it is the favorite flower of bees for it's sweetness). 

After reading this little fable, I was sold.  I don't know if it is a real fable or not, but I like the story.  It is the one we will tell our daughter when we tell her about her name.  Please greet us soon Haleigh Michelle.  There are many, many people that are anxious to meet you!

I Miss Writing



I miss writing. Being a first year teacher last year, I did not have much free time to do things that I enjoy.  Between learning to balance work and home, I think Jon and I did a fantastic job of staying present and enjoying life.  We were tired though, so any leftover energy was spent with our family.  Hence, the lack of a blog post in over a year.  One thing I, surprisingly, had time for though was writing.  A couple of my classes were called Writing Lab, so in effort to model good writing, I wrote with my students every day.  Sometimes I wrote about nothing, sometimes I wrote stories, and sometimes I wrote about my current frustrations or stresses.  Nonetheless, I wrote. 

 

Over the course of several months, Jon and I made some difficult decisions for our family.  The predominant difficulty might have been on my end because it had to do with MY job status.  Jon got a new job in February, we found out I was pregnant, and I decided that I was not a good fit at my school.  As a result of all of the change, we ultimately decided, after three or four months of discussion, that I would stay home this year.  It was an incredibly difficult decision for me for multiple reasons, but I am certain that it was the best decision for myself and my family.  In August, all of my friends were going "back to school," and I found myself relieved to be exempt from that additional stress. 

 

One of the main reasons that I chose to stay home is the cost of daycare.  It is REALLY expensive!  Hannah will be going to kindergarten next year, so the expense will not be as bad.  The other, more significant reason for staying home, was Hannah.  She's been "the only" for a very long time.  She's four and a half (today actually-happy half birthday Nan!), and has been the only child, grandkid, and niece for this entire time.  While she is completely ecstatic about being a big sister, we are not naïve to the fact that she will probably go through a major adjustment period in all of this.  It will be difficult for her to share the spotlight with a new baby.  We are preparing for this now and hope that it is worse in our heads than it will actually be.  However, attempting to deal with this while Jon and I are both working, and dealing with the demands of a new baby, seemed like a bit too much to handle.  So I chose to stay home.  It has been fabulous for our family and I hope that it continues to be that way.

 

With all of the above said, the one thing that I miss terribly about working is my time to write.  I am an English teacher, and I am supposed to love literature, although it is not my passion.  Don't get me wrong, I love books and have developed a love for complex works over the last ten years, but writing is my passion.  I love teaching writing, and I love to write.  I think writing is incredibly important for kids and it seems to be a skill that so many of them lack when going into college or the workplace.  I believe that anyone can have a novel ideal, but if they cannot express that idea, it is nothing more than a simple thought.  I have lots of thoughts, and I find that there are few outlets for me to express those thoughts right now. 

 

One of my favorite expressions comes in the form of stories.  If you have read my blog before, this may not come as a surprise to you.  I love to tell stories.  Historically, this blog has been filled with stories about Hannah and often celebrates her in our lives.  That will not go away, but I found myself locked into that and unable to write freely.  I want to tell people's stories.  Someday, I hope to write a book of stories about people that relate somehow.  Specific right?  Nonetheless, I have felt an intense desire to write stories.  Not only do I want to write the good ones about how wonderful my little girl (soon to be girls) is, but I also want to write some of the bad things, stories that have been in my head for years, and certainly other stories that come in the future. 

 

Writing helps me stay connected to my profession.  It helps me be creative.  It helps me sort through things going on in my brain.  Writing is often therapeutic.  So I am going to write.  While this blog may take on a slightly different form, I am here writing for me this time.  I am writing to have a memory of my children's lives.  I am writing to be intellectually stimulated, and I am writing because when I do a piece of my heart feels full. 

 

While I will be writing more and posting less pictures, I couldn't, in good conscience, write my first post in over a year and not post a picture or two.  These are from our recent trips to a couple of pumpkin patches in the area.  Happy Fall!